How to Handle Mad, Sad or Scared
“I didn’t know about the loaded gun hidden under his shirt but the instant Captain Jason Fuller walked into my El Pasco office on a summer day in 1980, my gut tightened and the back of my neck stung. War had taught me to sense danger even before I could explain why I was afraid… Jason was tall, with the lean physique of an athlete, but his body was so rigid he appeared more wooden than human. His blue eyes looked distant, his jaw frozen, and he wouldn’t - or couldn’t - speak. I steered him to the white couch in my office. He sat stiffly, fists pressing into his knees. I had never met Jason and had no idea what had triggered his catatonic state. His body was far away, lost…”
Being human encompasses such an array of emotions experienced in a day, a year, a lifetime. If you were to divide a piece of paper down the middle and categorise feelings into good or bad, I’m sure they would land into a column quickly, almost without much thought or question. It’s interesting how we tend to label some feelings as some good, others bad; some helpful and others unhelpful. How often have we heard people say to a child to stop getting angry? Or there’s no need to be so sad? It’s almost like we will people out of their emotional state. Emotions are part of being human; the question is, it’s not if we feel the emotion, but how we look at them, how we feel, process and ultimately express them - in a healthy or unhealthy way. The emotion is there for a reason right?
Emotions are part of being human; the question is, it’s not if we feel the emotion, but how we look at them, how we feel, process and ultimately express them - in a healthy or unhealthy way.
“He stood. He paced. He kicked at the couch. He had broken through his rigidity and was now becoming manic, agressive. He pounded the wall until he winced in pain. It was as though a switch had been hit, the full strength of his emotion surging on like floodlights. He was no longer sealed off and contained. He was explosive, volcanic, and now that he was thrashing around unprotected in all that hurt, my role had changed. I had guided him back into his feelings. Now I had to help him experience them without drowning in them, without totally losing himself in the intensity.”
Anger. Sadness. Scared. It’s been said that these three emotions, along with Gladness, form the umbrella of all other emotions; anger, sadness and scared often being the ones considered less desirable. We will ourselves to snap out of them, perhaps pushing them into a deep down hidden place. Or maybe they are so overwhelming we just let the emotion wreak havoc. Or yet again, perhaps we do something, something significant that we believe will resolve that emotion, but ultimately destroys that around us?
“Before I could say a word, he stiffened in the middle of the room and yelled, I can’t take it! I’ll kill both of them…” from under his belt he pulled a handgun.
As it turned out, Jason didn’t shoot anyone. His story stemmed far back to his childhood where he had been raised under a firm, authoritarian father who primarily dealt with problems by letting anger do its thing, letting it wreak havoc on those around him. When Jason was dealt a big blow in life - his wife having an affair with his best mate, his emotions took over. He turned to what he had learned, he let emotions loose and followed their lead. Put simply, he dealt with his overwhelming emotions by turning to a gun.
Jason was fortunate enough to stumble into Dr Edith Eger’s office that day, a Holocaust survivor who had experienced unimaginable trauma of her own. As a result, she committed her life to psychology and specialising in PTSD, Jason one of her many clients. Amongst other strategies, her 4-step process was used to help Jason somehow crawl out of his desperate situation and deal with emotions that well and truly had a firm grip on his life. The process Dr Edith Eger used, which Jason implemented, is something I think we would all benefit from putting into our own toolkit. To this day, I use this process over and over again when dealing with strong, overwhelming emotions.
Notice: Acknowledge what emotion you’re feeling. Name it. Is it sadness? Madness? Are you scared, or is there a different word you can pinpoint that describes what you are observing? Be a fly on a wall, be curious, a scientist, and name the emotion without any judgement on you or others.
Accept: These feelings are yours. They may have been triggered by what someone else said or did, but you own the emotions. Accept that you have the emotions, you own the emotions, and it is your responsibility to deal with the emotion.
Check: Observe your body’s response to your emotion. Are you cold or hot? Is your heart racing? Are you breathing in a certain way? Explore this with curiosity, not judgement.
Stay: Feel the emotion, stay with it. Resist an emotion and it’s more than likely to become bigger - the mind has a tendency to amplify that which we give energy to… energy unproductively trying to push it away. Remind yourself that emotions are temporary - tell yourself ‘this too, will pass, but right now, it just is.’
When do your emotions tend to go rife?
When someone wrongs you?
When something doesn’t go your way?
With your kids? With a partner or spouse?
When you are out of your comfort zone?
When you believe you’ve failed?
Being human is being emotional. Emotions are there for a reason. Yes, they scare the crap out of us sometimes. Yes, we just want them to go. Yes, in the moment it can all seem far beyond our control to contain them. Don’t ignore them, don’t push them away. Conversely, don’t let go of the reigns and let them dump their carnage onto yourself or others. Notice - Accept - Check - Stay.
Recommended Reading
The Choice, by Edith Eger
A native of Hungary, Edith Eger was a teenager in 1944 when she and her family were sent to Auschwitz during the Second World War. Despite overwhelming odds, Edith survived the Holocaust and moved with her husband to the United States. Edith begins processing her past-she even returns to visit Auschwitz as part of the healing process. All the while, she builds a career as a successful therapist who specializes in trauma. This is when the book starts to become more of a guide.