Changing What You Can… Letting go of What You Can’t
It’s that time of year when many of us have looked in the rear vision mirror at the year that has been, and now consider what might lay ahead. As I enter 2022, I’ve given myself a word for the year. A word that I can frequently remind myself of… a word to incorporate in various aspects of my life. That word is acceptance. Acceptance of others, acceptance of myself. Acceptance of what I can control and that which I can’t. When it comes down to it, I just want to be a more all-around accepting person - I think I need more of this, I think the world needs more of this. As I hit January, it has got me thinking, how do I discern what to accept and what not to? How does acceptance make me a better person, more influential in what I do? As I’ve been thinking about this I’ve been reminded of one of the simplest yet helpful concepts I’ve come across, represented in the diagram below.
The idea is simple, focus the majority of your energy on what’s within your control. As you move further out from the centre of the circle, control is diminished. Within the middle ring, the circle of influence, you may (or may not) change others’ circumstances or decisions. As you hit the outer Circle of Concern, you have been exposed to something in some way, or perhaps even been impacted by it, but you have no way of controlling or influencing the outcome. Naturally, I think it’s easy to invest our energy into the space of the outer ring… we’re not so much held accountable when we express our opinions or judgments in this space right? It’s kind of an easy, maybe even natural space to dwell, almost where cheap shorts live. But I hope that in 2022, I can better accept what comes into my awareness but can’t control it. I don’t necessarily mean agree with or support, but accept that it is what it is. It doesn’t mean I forfeit my values or moral alignment, nor does it mean I shrug my shoulders concluding it’s not my problem. In fact, knowledge within my circle of concern may lead to me identifying what I can do about it, and that’s a great outcome - it works its way from my circle of concern to circle of control. But what if you have no control over the outcome? At a minimum, I hope that I can tolerate that which is out of my control and accept that my energy is better expended elsewhere. And, the bi-product of accepting that which is out of our control is being freed to invest more energy into that which we can control, in turn expanding influence. Inversely, by investing our energy in the centre, that which we can control, we create a ripple effect on that which we can’t - we become influential. After all, we only have so many ‘efforts’ within us on any single day, so why not put those efforts toward something which counts?
‘the bi-product of accepting that which is out of our control is being freed to invest more energy into that which we can control, in turn expanding our influence.’
Further to this, accepting that which is out of our control is likely to promote greater unity, agreeing to disagree and showing respect regardless. What if such acceptance leads to greater levels of tolerance, and perhaps even kindness despite conflicting views or actions from others? I certainly feel the world could do with an extra dose of kindness at the moment. Yes, maybe there are just some things we can’t tolerate, and that’s fair. But if it’s not within our control, I would argue that this frustration, anger, resentment, or maybe even hate is just creating more tension, more division, more noise.
So, what’s within your Circle of Concern that you need to accept? Is it a political decision? Or perhaps a decision made by your workplace that you don’t like or agree with? Maybe it’s someone else’s actions that are really grating on you, something that’s keeping you awake at night? Or is something in life just plain hard because of personal circumstances completely out of your control? It may not be easy, but I wonder what acceptance would look like in this space? Would that acceptance perpetuate over time, get easier, become more natural? Would it create increased unity? Where would your energy be redirected? How might that influence you or others? How might it change 2022?