Outside Perfection, Inside Mayhem.
While in Europe my family recently got to check out the Eiffel Tower. There’s something about the Eiffel Tower that sets it apart from anything else I’ve seen in the world. Those four legs seamlessly integrating into one sole structure, making a bold statement to everything below. Somehow it’s simple and complex in the one - an intricate infrastructure with clean, uniform lines. In many ways, the Eiffel Tower seems to have it all. We saw the Eiffel Tower’s amazing detail in the clear of day, its faint outline on a hazy overcast day, and its glowing aura at night time - no version disappointed. It explains why this seamlessly perfect monument draws approximately 7 million people to come and visit it every year. Yet when my family ventured up the Eiffel Tower, the experience was the polar opposite of looking at the tower from a distance.
Firstly, while waiting for the elevator at the base of the tower, I dealt with my anxiety-induced son stressed about what was to come. I don’t think I helped the cause when he asked me why there was scaffolding under one of the legs… I jokingly said, ‘Oh, don’t worry about that, it’s just propping up that cracked leg to hold the tower up - read the play, Dad! I then witnessed more kids terrified as they went up the tower in an elevator, a lady physically pushing people in front of her in an effort to get down on the elevator, and a child cracking it on the first floor while his father eyeballed him with no expression whatsoever. When we got up to the top, overwhelming crowds were buzzing everywhere, madly trying to get their best shot. The inside of the tower saw stress, anxiety, and panic at its finest. If you had a fear of heights, were claustrophobic, or, like me, stressed about your kids playing park war on a monument north of 100 years old, you joined the crowd of people flipping their lids. All of this got me thinking about the parallel between my contrasting experiences of the Eiffel tower and us as humans. Like the Eiffel Tower from afar, a sense of perfection is so often portrayed; however, hidden inside our concealed minds we can so easily find mental mayhem.
Our Inside vs the Outside World
Like the Eiffel Tower, it’s so easy to feel like other people have it all together. If we’re honest, I think we’d agree most people put a bit of a front on. I try not to, but still inevitably do. We all experience insecurities, a lack of self-confidence, fear, stress, worry… the list goes on. But it’s only natural to want to hide this right? Most of us don’t want others to see our shameful parts. So, we present something outwardly that’s not necessarily indicative of what’s going on inwardly. To everyone else, we begin to look like the Eiffel Tower - secure and well-grounded, seemingly having it all together. In part, I feel that being able to hide our messy parts inside the four walls of our homes contributes to this - our homes are fairly isolated in western culture, which isn’t the case in many cultures around the world. No doubt social media also means we see perfect snippets of others, with the not-so-pretty stuff hidden behind the screen. Whether it be how we look, confidence at work, family life, or how we present ourselves socially, what we see in others rarely represents what is going on in their inside world. I think this is effecting how we feel about ourselves.
What do Internal Battles Result in?
Because we spend a large part of our lives hiding or covering up our messy parts, pressure and anxiety builds up. When we can’t share our insecurities with anyone else, we end up dealing with them alone. Life becomes solo. That’s a lonely place where shame resides - I’ve been there, and it’s exhausting. Unknowingly, I put an immense amount of pressure filtering what I felt was OK for others to see, hiding the rest - this was particularly true of my mental health challenges. When we collectively do this as a society, it builds pressure - we add momentum to a world where people seemingly have it all together. Like the Eiffel Tower, everybody's external representation doesn’t represent their internal mayhem. We end up with individual battles going on all over the place.
Breaking into the Inside World
I love Brene Brown’s work on human connection and our ability to empathise and belong. Her message of seeing vulnerability as bravery, in my view, allows us to break through a culture’s perfectionistic traits and deal with life’s struggles and insecurities collectively. In my experience, vulnerability breeds vulnerability too, so if we’re brave enough to open up and share our struggles with others, they often follow suit. We then begin to find belonging and connection, crucial to human happiness. I’m so thankful for the close mates I have, where I can share my struggles as a Dad, my challenges with stress and anxiety, my insecurities, weaknesses and fears. It’s hard, but it’s helpful. It’s not so easy, but it’s not so isolating. It feels real and raw and something is refreshing about that. I never knew that so much power lay within vulnerability, in particular the way it reduces the mental and emotional toll on our minds. In many ways, learning to be more vulnerable was one of the most crucial things I did in getting myself back to a healthy and happy mental space.
Where to Start with Vulnerability?
Vulnerability can be hard… and scary. I remember the first time I posted about my ongoing struggle with mental health to my entire following on Facebook. After I posted it I thought, what the heck did you do that for, are you insane? You’ve just let the world in on your fears and struggles! Maybe it was stupid, and it’s not something I’d recommend for everyone. But when it comes to my specific challenges in life, I’ve learned that vulnerability isn’t about sharing everything with everyone, rather some things with someone. Vulnerability requires trust, and you need to know who is in your corner - who has your back and has your best interests at hand. Someone who asks questions before giving answers. It’s about leaning into bravery and knowing that this will enrich your life, and often the person listening too.
So there lies my challenge. What is one insecurity you can tell one person? Go on, be brave, I dare you. Oh and by the way - if you ever get a chance, I still think you should head on up the Eiffel Tower, I’m sure it was just a bad day!