How Performance Can Define Self-worth & Cause Anxiety
Performance. Ahh, how we value it. We so easily let it become part of our identity and self-worth. If we measure up to expectation, we feel worthy. If we don’t, we’re left with this feeling of inadequacy and not enoughness. If we measure up, we might get a boost of ego from others’ reactions, feeding our belief that strong performance = worthiness. But maybe we find our self-worth fluctuating, changing according to our experiences? Maybe we get anxious about this, perpetuating the problem further? What if we could find self-worth that was 100% in our control, forming a foundation for us to live out a rich life that embraced us, the ugly and disliked bits included.
I’ve struggled with performance anxiety for much of my life. I was a sporty kid and could be found kicking a footy or hitting a tennis ball until the sun had well and truly set. I couldn’t get enough of it. When young, it kind of just happened without much thought. But as I got older, and sought to find my place in this big crazy world, I began to discover that what I was achieving, especially sport, was defining the way I saw who I was. It was a simple measuring stick for how I measured up, and whether I perceived myself as worthy as a person. This fluctuated enormously, feeding the pressure I put on myself. This then extended into other areas of my life:
Performance at work
Performance as a Dad, husband and friend
Performance in hobbies
Performance through my intellect
Argh, I was so focussed on performance! I was continually seeking worthiness from areas I could ‘t fully control. My internal dialogue was full of trash talk, always looking at what I should have done better. Why did it matter so much? Like, seriously, we’re all humans trying to muddle our way through life right; how did I end up in this crazy pursuit of trying to prove myself to others? Over the past 5 years or so I’ve dug deep, trying to figure out what was going on. There are a few layers, but in simple terms, I put it down to seeking self-worth through what I do, not who I am.
Self-worth found through WHAT you achieve
Celebrating what we achieve is engrained into us from a very, very early age. It’s not to say this is wrong, but if we find ourselves seeking worth through performance, it becomes external, so inevitably variable. I like to think of it as if/then statements. If you achieve this (what), then you are worthy (who). Here are some examples:
If I receive x grade in my exam (what), then people will respect me (who)
If I perform to x level at work or sport (what), then people will admire me (who)
If my appearance looks this way (what), then people will accept me (who)
The problem with self-worth defined by what we do (If/when statements) is they are unpredictable and fluctuate enormously depending on who we are around, and what life is throwing at us. We can perform perfect and be worthy one day, then be imperfect and unworthy the next. My imperfect unworthiness extended into weeks, days, months, years… then I learnt to flip the script.
Self-Worth found through WHO you are
Self-worth should be found internally, so it can be fixed. Here’s where I’m at... if you are human, you are worthy. We all have a place on this earth. We are all worthy to belong; worthy to connect; worthy to have our imperfections accepted; worthy to have our dreams shared. I like to think of them as I/so statements, allowing self-worth to be derived from a deeper more secure place from within - who we are can then serve what we do. Here’s how it might look:
I have put myself out there (who), so performance doesn’t define my worth (what)
I am imperfect (who), so mistakes are part of learning and growing (what)
I have focussed on being the best version of myself (who) so I have a place to share my skills and talents (what).
It’s not to say we shouldn’t work on our what, that’s essential to living a fulfilling and influential life, but’s that’s not where self-worth should be found. I also think it’s essential to work on our who too, in my view that’s where the richest parts of life can be found. I recently heard this statement which I love… I am worthy, but I’m not done yet.
So, be curious as to where your worth might be coming from. Is it derived from who you are or what you achieve? Does it fluctuate? Look deeper within. Acknowledge the traits you like about yourself, equally accepting every one of your imperfections. You are imperfect, embrace that. Learn to like you, otherwise you will always struggle with your self-worth. Find self-worth from within, not from without. Yes, what you do absolutely matters in life, but don’t search for self-worth there, it will lead to insecurities, and, well, maybe like me, performance anxiety that perpetuates the more it is fed.