How I tackle Self-defeating Thoughts
You are your thoughts.
Have you ever been stuck in your thoughts? I have, and it’s brutal. A few years ago life’s situations and events got the better of me, overwhelming me to the point where I could see no way out - I felt paralysed. We all have those messy seasons, and if you’re anything like me, you’ll ruminate on unhelpful thoughts in your head. I’ll never forget one of my first appointments with my psychologist, who arguably taught me one of my most valuable skills - to move from thoughts that worked against me, to those that worked for me. It was a game-changer.
After a fair chunk of mindset work, here’s how it works in my mind now. I have the inner critic and the inner advocate.
The Inner Critic - The Judger
We tend to have a negative bias in thoughts, whether that’s for protection, a trend in our culture, or whatever else, I’m not sure. The inner critic feeds off judgement. It operates from a space of stress and anxiety and thrives off trying to limit or inhibit. Now and then this works for you - it prevents you from entering into a harmful situation. But more often than not, I find it works against you, reducing the quality of life and keeping you stuck. It’s personal and often starts with ‘I am’ statements. Here’s how it sounds in my head:
I am weak for allowing myself to get into this situation
I am never going to get out of this
I am not going to enjoy life until (enter life’s situation) changes
The Inner Advocate - The Observer
These thoughts cheer you on, allow you keep on going and get you out of a rut. For me, this voice or ‘mode of thinking’ is harder work, but has got easier. The inner advocate is driven by observation. It’s the internal dialogue in your mind that stops, considers thoughts that will help you be your best with what you’ve got, and rationally rebut the inner critic. Psychologists have discovered that one way to distance ourselves from unhelpful thoughts is to use your name, followed by the word ‘you’. This has helped me switch gears from the inner critic to the inner advocate… from unhelpful thoughts to those that help me. Here’s how it sounds in my mind:
Justin, you are enough, regardless of how you got into this situation.
Justin, you will look in the mirror one day and be in a different place than now
Justin, you can find moments of enjoyment in life despite (enter life’s situation).
Switching from the inner advocate to the inner critic took a power of work, but each day it made my life that little bit easier… inching me out of position stuck. It started with noticing my thoughts, and I was amazed on how much trash talk there was, which only kept me more stuck. Then, slowly I learned to switch to the inner advocate and allow it to become a more prominent voice. I still find myself rebutting negative thoughts every day, but it has definitely gotten easier, more natural, and most importantly, more helpful
You are your thoughts.