How I knew I had anxiety… and what I did next
Anxiety: A nervous disorder characterised by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behaviour or panic attacks - myteam.org
I remember the feelings of chronic anxiety - vividly. Tension. Unease. Apprehension, creeping into more and more areas of my life. Slowly, normal things became different to what they ought to be… used to be. They were bigger, more overwhelming… the world just seemed a scarier place. I knew there were natural things that it was normal to be anxious about - public speaking, finances or a big event to name a few. But everything out of my control had disproportionately escalated. My capacity for living life was maxed out.
It wasn’t a week, a day, or a moment that I realised I had a problem on my hands with anxiety, because I knew that it was normal for anyone to get anxious from time to time. So what distinguishes a ‘normal’ level of anxiety apart from that which becomes crippling? As a starting point, I would recommend going to your GP, they may give you something like a DAS21, a questionnaire that gives you a good indication of where your anxiety, stress, and depression levels are sitting against, dare I say it, the norm.
There wasn’t a moment when I deemed myself anxious. Anxiety had slowly evolved, filtering into my life like a sandglass.
But what I also learned over time, was that stepping back and taking a passenger seat, and reflecting on how I’m being and doing in life helped me discover many deeply engrained patterns of thinking, feelings, and behaviour. Over time, I discovered anxiety had a grip on my life in two distinct ways, firstly, obsessive control, and secondly escalating avoidance, both becoming an impediment to happy living.
This reared its ugly head in many facets of life. Socialising, sport, work, phone calls… anything with a variable really, that which I couldn’t control. And it scared the crap out of me.
Avoidance & obsessive control increased my anxiety & maxed me out
PROBLEM 1: CONTROL
More time, more resources, more energy. I thought harder, tried harder, and threw more hours at things to make sure it was my version of perfect. And when I didn‘t meet those lofty standards, it reinforced that I needed to give it even more attention to control the situation or outcome. I became my own micro-manager, controlling and fussing over minor details that resulted in an imbalanced lifestyle. I had done this for as long as I can remember, but it became more pronounced over time.
PROBLEM 2: AVOIDANCE
As time went by, and I realised the above approach didn’t work I removed myself from being exposed to someone or someplace which might confirm my shortcomings. This method was reinforced because in the short term, it worked - I could escape my anxiety by hiding from that which brought it about. Eventually, this created an imbalance in my life and lead to further avoidance, perpetuating the problem.
Over time, I learned that both of these two strategies are unhealthy ways of trying to control that which is ultimately out of my control. As Corrie Ten Boom puts it, ‘worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, its empties today of its strength’ - this perfectly describes the crippling effect anxiety had on me. Moreover, the fretting over what I couldn’t control amplified the very thing I was fearful of. Obsessive control meant I spent more time thinking about it; avoiding it made it scarier, bigger than what it actually was.
The compounding effect it had on the quality of my life started becoming apparent. Life wasn’t fun like it used to be, I played everything safe, and I missed out on living. As time went by, I could see a trend, and I knew I couldn’t continue on this same trajectory. So, with the help of psychologists, various podcasts, loads of reading, and taking a good hard look at how I landed where I was - here’s what I did next…
STEP 1: AWARENESS
I stepped back and became aware of that which occurred subconsciously. I did this through curiosity and being reflective… almost a kind of inquisitiveness around who I’d become and how I engaged with the world. I had to take a good hard look at what caused me anxiety. It initially freaked me out because I had to get close to it, but I kept re-positioning myself back into the passenger seat of life, removing myself from judgment and replacing this with curiosity. I realised over time, I’d created a narrative, a rhetoric that helped me understand the root cause behind my anxiety. For me, it centered around achievement. I focused so intently on the ‘what’ of achievement that I had no wiggle room for mistakes. When I hit the mark, it reinforced my expectations, when I missed it, well, I saw the big ugly gap… that gap was always far bigger in my mind than any achievement. It’s like the benchmark was dialled to 100%, meaning I almost always fell short. I had wrapped this up in my identity; in other words, who I was, was defined by what I achieved. There are other bits and pieces which helped me backfill my story and make sense of it all, but ultimately, it involved a lot of digging and reflecting on life from a different standpoint, that of self-awareness.
STEP 2: ACCEPTANCE
I had to resolve I was overly anxious, and that I didn’t have to do life this way. Over time, here’s the thing I discovered. By accepting that which is imperfect, I was able to let go of shortcomings. I could embrace the very essence of what it is to be human. I positioned myself in a much more open-minded, realistic and balanced place. By understanding the root of my anxiety and accepting it, I could begin to let it go - there was a natural offloading of tension, unease, and apprehension - I was OK with the gap. We all have the gap (aka shortcomings), but it’s how we view our gap that makes all the difference. I should mention, that I’m aware that anxiety can be caused by all kinds of things, not just thoughts about ourselves and our place in this world. Bad things happen to people - this absolutely doesn’t mean it’s acceptable, but I believe we do need to accept that it’s happened, living in denial is avoidance, which I believe continues to make the event significant and domineering over our life. I had to acknowledge and accept that the very thing that caused me anxiety was real. That the hurt was real. So there I sat. How I was thinking, feeling, and behaving was real, and I stared at it face-to-face and became familiar with it.
STEP 3: ADJUSTMENT
I had to learn how to adjust what I had become aware of and had accepted. Sure, I could tackle the anxiety through healthy coping mechanisms - running, eating healthily, mindfulness - all of which helped manage the anxiety. But where I made major inroads lay deeper - it required digging. Step by step, I began to relate to myself differently:
I shifted my self-worth; who I was wasn’t defined by what I achieved. We are all worthy, because we are human… period. I also considered what made me, me; not just through the things I achieved, but by who I was as a person. As the inspirational Ben Crowe puts it, we need to focus more attention of the human-being, not just the human-doing.
I tackled expectation head-on: my self-worth doesn’t come from performance at work, on the sporting field, or wherever else, this is simply a measure of worth society often measures us on... this is ‘others’ worth’. I learned to find self-worth in a place that wasn't dependent on variable outcomes… wasn’t so fleeting. I found it inwards, not outwards.
I did a power of work on values and intrinsic motivations - that which I have 100% control of and which can’t be stolen from me.
I spoke to myself kindly, more positively.
I found security in who I am not. I began to find richness within my shortcomings - it’s where I could experience opportunity, vulnerability, and connection with others. Most importantly, it’s where I found deeper admiration for others.
And with this adjusted mindset (which I still work on every day), I slowly increased my exposure to that which was perceived as a threat. I kept doing it until it became smaller and smaller in my mind, and in my life. I diminished the threat by facing it from an entirely different angle, one of acceptance in who I am, and security in who I am not. I started becoming perfectly imperfect.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
Could you be overly anxious? It probably won’t jump out at you on a particular week or day… but maybe right now, in this moment, it’s time to ask yourself the question, am I over-controlling or avoiding situations. Here’s some common ones:
A job
A person/people
A place
An event
Break it down and try the following:
Become Aware of your actions, and how thinking led to it. Detach yourself from judgment and consider how your story formed. You should no longer be caught up in the muck, but viewing the muck from afar.
Accept it. Life’s messy. Life’s hard. Life often doesn’t go to plan. That’s OK. You’re OK. Accept that part of being human involves tolerance of that which doesn’t feel good nor can we control. If you’re overly anxious, it’s OK, but it’s time to look at it, to own it, to deal with it.
Adjust it. View it differently. Change your self-talk. Change what you’re wrapping your self-worth in. Consider the pros, not just the cons - think growth. Look at things rationally. If it’s not going to cause extreme anxiety, slowly expose yourself to that which is causing you stress and anxiety.
Accept your limitations and embrace your imperfections, because, dear reader, you are perfectly imperfect.