Practical Tips for Helping Kids on Struggle Street.
I don’t like telling people how to suck eggs.
It’s a complex world, so too is stress and anxiety. I’m also acutely aware of the fact that when it comes to mental health, there are mainstream challenges and clinical issues - the latter well out of my knowledge and experience. I also don’t think there’s one size fits all when it comes to helping kids. Like us adults, they can be complex little creatures. But, through reading, listening, parenting, teaching and my own trial and error, there are a bunch of practical things I’ve found super helpful in supporting children who are dealing with big emotions and scary sensations. There’s a good explanation as to what’s going on in their minds and bodies which you can learn about here, but to keep things practical here, I’ll dive straight in to my go to list…
When in Survival Mode, Regulate
Distraction: Move their attention to something else. This works a treat for really young children/ toddlers
Mindfulness: I quickly go through the 5 senses with my kids: what can you see, smell, taste, hear, and feel? It’s enough to help them regulate their bodies, even if just a little
Breathing: Slow and big. Feel the ribs expand. In 4 sec, hold 2 sec, out 6 sec. Count for them. Practice out of the moment, for the moment
Let them self-regulate. When I’m super frustrated, I inevitably start getting worked up myself and try and fight fire with fire. They will calm down by themselves, especially outside while in nature
Relax muscles - body scan.
When in an Emotional State, Relate
Allow them to sit. Reiterate, that they are allowed to feel strong emotions. It’s part of being a human
Observe the feeling. Get curious. Where are their emotions hanging around? With my youngest, I bring imagination into it e.g. nerves like to do flips in the stomach, do tug-of-war in the throat, and run around in all kinds of directions in the head, but they eventually get tired and fall asleep, you wait and see
Name the feelings. What’s the word for this? Disappointment, anger, resentment, jealousy? I like to chat about times when I’ve felt a similar way and compare notes. Name it to tame it
Own the feelings. It’s so easy for kids (and adults!) to say that others made them feel this way. Sure, someone else might have prompted the emotions, but they are still the child’s emotions and it’s their responsibility to deal with something they own.
Let feelings sit. Let them do their work and move on
Listen to music. Music has an amazing way of calming kids down and getting them back to baseline
Exercise or play . Prompt them get out of their head and into their body.
Humor. Joke around, it lightens the mood and reduces the grip of strong emotions. Don’t underestimate how powerful this one is. As holocaust survivor Victor Frankly says, humour can provide you with the ability to rise above any situation. (Viktor Emil Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning).
When ready to Reflect, Reason
Get curious. Ask what they did that resulted in them feeling that way. What can they try next time?
Consider prior build up. Did they notice a build-up to the strong emotions? Why did that bother them so much? Did it compromise their values?
Look at different angles. If another is involved, what might be going on in their life? Why might they have said/done what they did to hurt you?
Reflect & Grow. What have you learned about yourself?
Consider other factors. What else might be going on that could be setting them up for strong emotions?
Encourage. Reiterate their strong qualities. What might these be? Children thrive of encouragement and positive reinforcement.
If you’re anything like me, and like to understand the why behind the what (how the above tips tap into various areas of the brain) check out my blog Why Reasoning with Kid’s Emotions is a Waste of Time.