Why Reasoning with Kid’s Emotions is a Waste of Time.
The chair that nearly hit me
His fists were tight, his face red, raging while adrenalin pumped through his body. He was about to pick up the chair and piff it at me. I anxiously stood my ground. This boy had played up in class, and sitting him down and chatting about his actions over his precious play time only made him angrier. He was overwhelmed with emotion, his body caught in survival mode. Reasoning was a waste of time - it only seemed to make things worse. I wish I knew what I know now.
Our default when dealing with kid’s emotions
I'm not sure about you, but when a kid loses it, I want them to calm down. My aim is to get them out of that emotional state, and back to planet earth, as we know it. If they are sad or down, I want them to feel better - or feel different at least. I want them to move from where they are, to where I think they should be - some benchmark society has unanimously landed on as being acceptable. And, like most people, when I speak with kids in an emotional state (mine included) I find myself trying to reason with them - I give them a rational explanation to remove them from the undesirable state they find themselves in.
It’s all too common for parents, teachers, or caregivers to revert to rational talk when a child is experiencing strong emotions or their natural survival instincts are kicking in. Here are some common examples I have found myself slipping into over the years:
When disappointed with something they broke or lost: Don’t worry mate, we can fix it or get another one
When sad from someone mean: You should walk away or find something else to do
When angry and hitting someone: Stop getting angry, you just need to calm down.
The problem with reasoning?
In all three examples, we are moving straight to reasoning, bypassing acknowledgement of natural emotions and physiological responses which occur when scared, stressed, or anxious. How easy is it to try and reason a person out of an uncomfortable state? However, this defies the very physiology of the human body and mind. It undermines how we are designed to function and what it means to be human- that we are emotional beings with important survival mechanisms to regulate our bodies.
As adults, I believe it is our job to steer the next generation into healthy ways of understanding emotional and physical experiences in our bodies. It's not our role to coach them through these often scary feelings and experiences, not out of them.
Three roles within the brain
The brain is complex, and has an enormous amount of roles, but when it comes to helping kids deal with strong emotions, let’s focus on three key functions:
1. Survival Brain: The survival brain, technically known as the brain stem, is responsible for keeping you alive. It’s ultimately responsible for regulating your body - think heart rate, breathing, temperature, and movement.
2. Emotional Brain: The emotional brain (limbic system) has a few responsibilities, but a big function it has is dealing with emotions. It’s kind of like an emotional smoke alarm, detecting uncertainties and triggering emotions as you tackle life’s uncertainties.
3. Thinking Brain: Your thinking brain (higher cortex) allows you to reason. This area of the brain is responsible for things like communication, problem-solving, and critical thinking. When you are deeply focussed on doing a task, your ‘thinking brain’ is firing on all cylinders.
A different way of dealing with emotions
So, with some basic physiology explained, when a child or teen has lost it, survival instincts are in full flight (physical response to threat) and emotions are running high (psychological response to threat). As for thinking rationally, it temporarily goes offline. As tempting as it is to pull a child back into the rational thinking self, as parents, teachers, or caregivers, I believe we're missing very important steps toward healthy mental well-being. There’s a reason their emotions are in full fledge, or their survival instincts (fight/flight/freeze) have kicked in, and we should acknowledge this, and begin by working in this space.
Dr Jodie Lowinger, explains it this way. When you are hijacked by the amygdala (a section of the brain within the limbic system that detects threat), you are locked into the sympathetic nervous system. When your sympathetic nervous system is activated, the subcortical brain structures are primed to override your higher cortex, having you respond on instinct. The cortex, or the part of your brain responsible for rational thoughts and beliefs, becomes less accessible - it is essentially disabled. This is getting pretty nerdy, but the point is, there is a scientific explanation as to why a child’s ability to reason their way out of a difficult situation is severely inhibited (Dr. Jodie Lowinger, The Mind Strength Method).
*Courtesy of Simply Psychology
Guiding kids and teens through emotions
It should be pointed out, the higher cortex (thinking brain where executive functioning occurs) is the last part of a child/teen’s brain to develop. This area of the brain, sometimes referred to as the CEO of our mind, can be difficult to access, particularly for very young children. Neuroscientist, Stephanie Fyfe says that we are not born with features that allow us to self-regulate. She says, ‘We must have the right people around us for that architecture to form. And it takes a very long time - into our late, late 20s is when that kind of activity is truly accessible to us as humans.’ (Stephanie Faye - Mindset Neuroscience). This means for adults, one of our primary responsibilities is to guide children, helping them understand and accept the complex survival and emotional experiences that are happening.
This begs the question, when a child is upset or losing it, what are they really afraid of, the things happening around them or the things happening within them?
It’s easy to say this now, but if I had my time again as a teacher of that boy who lost it at me, I’d do things differently. I’d save the reasoning for later, and focus first on guiding him in dealing with strong emotions and survival mode.
What about you? When you you are dealing with a sad, mad or scared child, do you find yourself trying to reason with them? Strong emotions and survival instincts are scary, and kids and teens need guidance navigating them. There are super helpful things that we can do through these complex experiences, setting them up for a healthy and resilient approach to adversity. Understanding the broad functions of our mind goes a long way towards helping them head in the right direction, we know what we’re dealing with and respond accordingly.
With that said, there’s lots of practical ways we can support them too, which you can learn about in my blog ‘How to Help kids Regulate Stress & Anxiety.