Small, Tall or Not at All?
I remember my very first moment of anxiety. I must have been about six, on my first school camp. Everything felt foreign, my body tense, my mind full and busy. I just wanted to get out of there! I desperately wanted a sense of comfort and to get rid of uncertainty - I wanted to go home. Of course, I couldn’t articulate any of this at the time. I didn’t know it was the shadow of anxiety. I didn't know I had a personality predisposed to anxiety's grip. There began my battle, spending the best part of 40 years trying to nullify the debilitating symptoms of anxiety. In an effort to make anxiety a ‘not at all’, it grew… it became taller and more dominent.
I still get anxiety now—fairly regularly, actually. But I do not suffer from it. I’m super familiar with it and recognise its presence, almost immediately. I’m learning to work with it and this has been an absolute game-changer. So, with that said, here are three practical things I do when anxiety comes knocking at my door, or of the people I love.
Laughter
It sounds too trivial. Laughter? Come on, really? I won’t bore you with a bunch of neurochemical factors as to why it’s so powerful, but here’s the thing: if laughter is trivial, could it make anxiety more trivial? Here’s what Viktor Frankl, survivor of the Holocaust and author of "Man’s Search for Meaning," says about laughter: “It is well known that humour, more than anything else in the human make-up, can afford an aloofness and an ability to rise above any situation.” Whether you or someone you love suffers from anxiety, look for humour. Laugh at the situation, with people, at yourself! Find a way, and it will make anxiety smaller.
Giver's Mindset
The other day, I was playing a game with a group of family and friends, and anxiety’ showed up quickly and intensely. It was pretty trivial really, I was stuck with my next move in the game, and I began worrying about what other people would think. Then I hit the switch. What about them? Who’s enjoying the game? How can I celebrate their wins? How can I let them know I’m feeling stuck, and apologise that it's taking so long to have my turn! I flipped the script and as I focussed my attention elsewhere, anxiety’s grip begun to loosen. Anxiety was being fed by my consciousness, so I steered it elsewhere, more in line with my values. I moved my attention outwards, and my anxiety became smaller.
Gradual Exposure
Here’s the thing: anxiety grows when it is validated, striving to protect us... until next time. Avoiding new challenges, people, or situations provides temporary relief, but the anxiety inevitably returns, stronger. Afraid to try something new? Avoid it, and your anxiety will retreat temporarily, only to return with greater force next time. Hesitant to speak to someone? Avoid them, and watch your anxiety dissipate - until you see them next time. Is your child worried about going on school camp? Avoid it, and watch their anxiety disappear as they retreat to the safety of their home... until next time. Gradual exposure helps confront anxiety in manageable steps, often disproving its warnings, especially in a Western World where imagined fear tends to be many people’s greatest battle. Gradual Exposure often lead to rich experiences we would not otherwise experience if it weren’t for showing up with small doses of bravery - feeling the fear, and doing it anyway. Gradually expose, and watch anxiety become smaller.
So, here’s my question to you: Are you spending your energy, like I was, tying to banish anxiety? And if so, is it working? Is your ‘not at all’ anxiety game-plan leading to a rich, fulfilled life? Or, like it did to me, is it exacerbating anxiety and making it bigger?
Maybe it’s time to start working with anxiety. In an effort to make anxiety a smaller, less dominant force, maybe you need to greet it with a smile. Perhaps you need to use one or two tools to ease the negative emotions and sensations of anxiety, then let it be. Maybe it’s time to start living a rich, values-led life in spite of anxiety.
You got this :)